Good Denim, Bad Women

Jarrett, Happy Birthday. Let’s take a look back at your many accomplishments as a daytime talk show host.

You were the first to interview rap genius Kanye West after his outburst at the People’s Choice Awards!

You broke television barriers by interviewing your lesbian wife, Portia De Rossi, on national television!

You had so many great times!

But it wasn’t all fun and games. You were the first to hear about John McCain’s bid for President!

Thanks for the memories!

Jurassic Park Theme (Melodica Cover)`

talkshows:

John Mulaney: Cures For Hangovers

“Sometimes you can close your eyes.” The doctor said regarding sex, a man who hasn’t found his wife sexually attractive in 6 years.

(via talkshows-deactivated20121114)

“Impress your friends with a year that’s not the current year…because trust us, that’s good.”

A flawless video.

• Guy on a bike with a basket stopped at the light with me: What's up man?
• Me: Nothing at all, on my way home.
• Him: You and me both.
• Me: Where's ET?
• Him: He fell off 3 blocks back.

Patton Oswalt on NPR

50 Cent Doesn’t Know What Grapefruit Is

• Guy passing me on my way home: Smoking kills, man!
• Me: So does time.

FINALLY. Proof that Kelliann Decarlo feasts on innocent, adorable puppies.

My former roommates and I are morons.

• Dad: *sneeze*
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Me: (from upstairs) Stop sneezing!
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Me: ...Are ya done?
• Dad: *sneeze*
• Mom: You've got to be shitting me.

I am currently on jury for a trial. It was my first time on Jury Duty and I got selected. This is now my profile picture. 

Muppet Babies was about a woman with no face that took care of a frog, a pig, a dog that plays the piano, and an alien named Gonzo that fucked chickens.